The Undeniable Week
by allred12
Summary: Clare has just found out that she is pregnant before spring break. This one shot follows her mental processes throughout the week, her struggle to make a decision, and her internal ramblings. Contains S13 and 14 spoilers.


Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.

Season 13 and 14 spoilers.

a/n: In all honesty, I had given up on Degrassi for a while, but having recently returned I was utterly shocked by the Clare/Drew/Eli pregnancy story line. This is my attempt to reconcile my perceptions of Clare's character with the plot line that has swept her up in season 14. This story follows the not-shown spring break in which Clare apparently ignored Drew.

**The Undeniable Week **

"This is New York Civic Hospital and I just wanted to let you know that your blood work is okay. Nothing is out of the ordinary and everything looks okay for you and your baby."

It took all my strength to not allow the phone to fall from my hand. I felt sick to my stomach and numb simultaneously. The sun continued to shine brightly and I heard voices around me, but suddenly I felt as if my entire future, my entire being had been plunged into an uncertain darkness. I took my cell phone away from my face and slipped it into my back jeans pocket. I tried to take a deep steadying breath as I turned towards Alli.

"I'm going to go home. It was good to see you, but I'm not feeling too well. I'll see you later this week though," I said shakily. I could hear welled up tears in my own voice.

"Clare—wait! What's wrong?" Alli shouted after me, but I ignored her and continued to walk away.

I did not pay attention to where I was going, I just let my feet guide me home. As I opened the door, I lurched upstairs towards the bathroom. Collapsing to the floor, I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I rested my head against the cool porcelain of the seat.

This could not be happening to me. I had plans and hopes for a future that did not include a teen pregnancy. How would I handle a kid when I was at Columbia in a brand new city with no support? What would I do when I had graduated university and then had a toddler that I would have to handle?

I simply laid on the bathroom floor until I heard the front door open and my mom and Glen come home.

"Crap," I hissed quietly. Another problem to contend with was disappointing my parents. How was I going to tell them that I was pregnant? Hell, they probably hadn't even realized that I had taken off my purity ring. I forced myself up off the bathroom floor and made my way to my bedroom. I tried to move as quietly as I could throughout the house. Usually, Glen and mom did not care one way or the other if I was home unless it was a meal time or what not. Ever since mom's divorce and marriage to Jake's dad, I had pretty much been given free range. No one cared where I was or what I was doing. Mom just assumed that I was always doing the 'right thing', but after the divorce my definition of what the 'right thing' was became a little muddier. However, no matter what my new definition was, getting pregnant at seventeen definitely did not fall under it.

I began to feel selfish as I stood in the doorway of my room, staring at the wall alone with my thoughts. What about the being that was growing inside me that the woman on the phone from the hospital had so quickly referred to as my baby? The word 'baby' seemed to afford too much humanity to something that was probably not much larger than a pea.

My mind strayed towards the high school youth groups I had attended before my cancer diagnosis. The group had mentioned briefly how all human life was sacred and how abortions were wrong. I could not scare away that nagging belief, and my hand slipped down to rest on my abdomen. There was no change in its shape yet, but if this pregnancy continued, there would be. Yet an even more frightening fact was that if this pregnancy continued—went to full term, then there would be an infant; a helpless needy infant that would demand all of my attention.

Cancer came back on my mind. When I had begun chemotherapy, the doctors had told my mom and I how many women were unable to conceive after receiving chemo. That fact had terrified me, but living was at the forefront and children seemed like an issue that would be dealt with long into the future. Eli and I had talked about what the chemo meant for our future at the time. Very briefly we had discussed how adoption could be an option for us later down the road.

Eli.

A nauseating sense of the ground falling out from under me settled. I took a step forward and collapsed onto my bed. Was this baby Eli's?

I tried to do math in my head, but I was foggy. The fall semester had been so busy with student council planning and Eli coming in and out of my life. I couldn't remember my last period, and I had thought that a lot of things were out of whack with my body since having recently gotten off chemo. Struggling to remember events through my chemo brain was proving to be a struggle as well.

There had been times with Eli, but recently there had been Drew.

My friend-with-benefits, president and confidante Drew was perhaps someone who was going to be a much larger part of my life. I could pictures Drew's face in my mind: his quick smile, his easy-going attitude. An unplanned pregnancy was not something that he needed in his life. Furthermore, I couldn't even imagine how he would deal with something like this. I couldn't imagine what his reaction would be. I hadn't known Drew for very long. Of course I had been acquainted with him because of Adam, but we hadn't become friends, and well, something a little more until this year.

Eli was a different story. Sometimes I felt like I knew Eli better than I know myself. I could predict to a T how he would react: he wouldn't be happy, he would tell me that it was not a good time, but he would be there for me. He would talk to me and find a way to make it work in whatever way I wanted to make it work. And then he would be excited.

I just needed to figure out who the father was, and then what decision I would be making. I felt overwhelmed. I leaned back on my bed, clutched a pillow to my chest, and allowed the tears to fall.

XXX

I woke up fully dressed and in an awkward position. I felt uncomfortable. I could feel the caked mascara on my face, my neck was stiff from the position I had fallen asleep in, and my chest was sore from crying. I did not even have a moment of just-awoken ignorance to spare me the miserable situation of being seventeen and pregnant. I felt everything and I felt another wave of nausea come over me. I got up from my bed and ran to the bathroom.

When I returned to my room I noticed that it was 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Thankfully, it was way too early for my mom to be up. I checked my phone once I had laid down. I had three voicemails.

The first was from Alli. I hit play. "Hey Clare, it's me. I hope everything is okay. Jenna and I are waiting for you at my house. I don't know what happened earlier today, I just hope everything is okay. We just want to see you tonight. Talk to you later, hon." The message clicked dead. I rolled my eyes. This was why my mom had not checked on me, I was supposed to have spent the night at Alli's to kick off our spring break. I looked back down and saw that the next message was also from Alli.

"Clare, where are you. We miss you so much."

"Yes we do," I heard Jenna say from the background.

"Hush, Jenna. Clare, we need you here with us. It isn't as fun without you. Please call, I'm getting worried. If you can't make it tonight, hopefully we can see you tomorrow morning. We love you," Alli slurred. The kicking off of spring break apparently involved copious amounts of alcohol. The message went dead, but not before I heard a bunch of giggling in the back ground.

I wanted to talk to Alli and Jenna. As I sat alone on my bed feeling sick and scared, there was nothing I wanted to do more than to talk to my friends who could help me figure things out. Yet on the other hand, I couldn't see myself talking to them until I figured out who the father was.

As I looked down at my third and final message, my heart rose to my chest. Drew's name glowed up at me. I sighed nervously and pressed play.

"Hey Clare, it's me. Alli told me I was supposed to see you at school earlier but that you left in a rush. I hope everything is okay. I just wanted to talk to you, about Becky and I. I just wanted to be the first one to tell you that she and I are dating. I hope I can talk to you over break. We have some planning to do for the spring events. Call me when you get a chance and have a great break Clare." The line went silent.

I rolled over onto my stomach onto my bed and sighed.

The baby was Drew's. It had to be. I would have noticed sooner if it was Eli's. I would be further along and I would probably be able to notice I was pregnant. The baby had to be Drew's.

I replayed his message and my heart began to sink. He sounded so carefree and happy to be with Becky. News like this would devastate him, it would devastate his new relationship. I could not put Drew through this.

And without Drew, I could not go through this either. There was no way that I could raise a child alone and by myself. Yes, this could be my only chance, and the cancer could always come back. Yet, if I got lucky once, I could probably get lucky again. And I could probably get lucky with someone I actually love as a companion and a partner, not just someone who I love as a friend.

My mind was made up: adoption.

Adoption was the right option for me. I could feel it in my bones. I laid down on my bed and rested my hand on my stomach. I heard my mom and Glen leave for work, and I finally wandered down the stairs to grab something to eat. Nothing seemed appealing to me. As soon as I opened the fridge, I captured a waft of fish that Glen or mom must have brought home from a restaurant. I immediately ran for the sink and barely made it. I puked everywhere: all over my hair and my clothes.

I began to cry and I slid against the edge of the sink. I could not do this by myself. I lifted myself up and took my clothes off as I went upstairs. I drew a bath and laid down in it gently.

My body felt exhausted. I marveled for a moment at what my body had gone through in the past year. I traced the scar on my chest from my chemo port. I had survived cancer, and now I was being beat down by the first trimester of a pregnancy.

I relaxed deeper into the bath.

I could get through this. I could carry this baby to term, tell Drew he was the father but let him off the hook, and then give this baby up to a family who would have the time and the money to love it the way it should be loved.

I sighed as I sunk deeper into the bath.

"Clare," I heard my mom shout as the door opened.

"Up here," I shouted back.

"Are you okay, honey," she asked as she tapped on the bathroom door.

"I'm fine, mom. I'm just taking a bath. I'll be out in a little bit," I said.

"Okay honey, I love you," mom said. I smiled to myself.

My mom would be shocked, but I knew that she would be supportive. She would help me no matter what decision I made. After my cancer, we had grown so much closer. We had a much better understanding of each other.

"Mom," I whispered, but she had already gone downstairs to be with Glen. I sighed and got myself out of the bath. I dried off and took my stained clothes into my bedroom. I quickly dressed in comfortable clothes and laid down in bed. I closed my eyes for a moment, but I slept the whole day.

XXX

I woke up early the next morning with another bout of nausea. Mom had not woken me up for dinner. Maybe she had thought I was sick and just wanted to let me sleep.

As I padded back from the bathroom in my stocking feet, I sat on my bed and grabbed a book from my night stand: _Cider House Rules_ by John Irving. I thumbed through the pages. I had read it over the summer during chemo on the days when Eli had not been able to come visit. I had finished the book right after Adam's death, and perhaps because of that, the book was imprinted in my mind.

The book explores the issues of abortions and orphans. It was sad and brutally honest. I went back and read the pages that I had dog eared. The parts that hit me hardest were when the main character was describing his deep seeded internal loathing at being an orphan: he felt as if his parents had never loved him enough to keep him.

I set the book back on my nightstand was surprised to find tears on my face.

Could I really abandon a baby?

I did not think so. I would feel perpetually guilty if I just left my child behind. I would never be able to get him or her out of my mind. I thought back to Jenna. Most days, Jenna was her happy, carefree self. But Jenna had her moment. On Tyson's birthday, she would be inconsolable. She would not go to school, but Clare and Alli would sit in Jenna's room and bring her whatever she needed. Whenever her friends asked her to talk about it, Jenna simply repeated that they would not understand. And she was right because how could her friends even began to empathize with giving away an infant son?

Perhaps adoption was not for me.

My mom called me down for dinner. I ate quietly and I could feel her staring at me with unasked questions. I did not feel like eating much of my food, but I stomached what I could and then retreated back to my bedroom. I looked for my phone and I had a coupled missed texts. One was from Alli asking me to call her. The other was from Drew asking for my help on some student council thing. I sighed and dialed Alli's number first.

"Hey Clare," Alli's voice rang. I could hear the hint of concern.

"Hey Alli. I'm sorry it took me so long to return your call. I hope you guys had fun last night."

"We did, but we missed you. Is everything okay? Did you hear from Eli?"

"No, it was just a call back from the hospital."

"Oh no, Clare, is your cancer back?" Alli said, fear clearly in her voice.

"No, no, nothing like that. I'm fine, I just wasn't feeling well. I think I might have eaten something bad at the airport. I'm really glad that you guys had fun last night, maybe we can hang out later this week."

"Okay, sure Clare. I hope you feel better. I'll text you later."

"Sounds good. Bye Alli."

I set the phone down on my nightstand. It was so easy for me to just pretend like everything was normal with Alli. It was almost too easy for me to pretend. The biggest part of me did not want to accept that this baby was real, but I needed to face it. I got off my bed and walked over to my desk. I grabbed a piece of paper from the printer and a pen. I walked back over to my bed and proceeded to create a series of pro-con lists. Abortion, adoption, and baby were the only three words written on my paper after an hour of thinking.

I could not bring myself to write anything because that would make the situation so real.

I pushed the list away from me and decided that I would head downstairs and make myself something to eat. I had the house to myself. Mom and Glen had left at some point and I was happy to be alone in the house.

I made a quick sandwich and took it back to my room where fell asleep staring at my blank paper.

XXX

The rest of the week progressed much the same: me puking, casually talking to mom, texting Alli and dodging phone calls from Drew.

My mind kept flitting back between my three options. I could not decide and that frightened me.

I woke up on Monday morning, the first day back at school and after a ton of pondering, I felt that I had made up my mind.

I could not have this baby: I could not put myself and Drew through a pregnancy during our senior year. I had so many other things going for me that an abortion seemed the only option.

I would take care of it in the upcoming week. I would keep this undeniable accident to myself. There was no need for anyone else to know.


End file.
